SIMPLY ELABORATE blog

Posts Tagged ‘fear’

I promised someone I would continue working on my latest blog post tonight and post it. But I left my laptop at work, forgetting the document was started, opened and not saved on that computer and not the one at home. So then I started writing another post, same topic, from scratch and I hate it. Sitting in front of my computer in my sister’s old childhood room that has now doubled as my home office as of late unable to muster enough creativity to write something.

I used to be a night writer. Didn’t matter what the topic, as soon as sunset hit I could make these fingers type like nobody’s business about nothing in particular (although topics usually varied from school, the opposite sex, friendships and work among others) and everything in between.

Now, I feel as though I’m out of practice, out of habit and completely drained emotionally out of fear that I’m not pleasing enough people, not enough people care to even be pleased or that nothing’s ever good enough for me to share anymore. It’s a realization that I come to every time I sit down, ready to write. I think it comes from the fact that I sometimes creep over to my old writings and re-read the words that poured out of me, the feelings that overwhelmed me and judge my past self.

I find now, that the words free-flow out of me in the mornings, when the sun is shining and the world seems to be my oyster – a brand new beginning every day. Not that I’ve been so eager to get up early and type away in the mornings, but still. My life has changed me into somewhat of a morning person; if I can just find that motivation every day to get up early I’d be set. It was there for a while and somehow it faded (I’m sure the lure of website designing 24/7 had something to do with it) but it’s creeped back up with the presence of a new office location and a resounding sense of relaxation following my trip to Mexico last week.

So I’m sure the writing will eventually become more habitual, frequent and (let’s hope) more inspiring in the near future.

Next stop, gym.

I’m trying to figure out a lot about my life right now, while simultaneously just trying to live in the moment and accept it as it comes. Do you know how hard that is to do when you’ve diagnosed yourself as a Type A personality with a hint of Attention Deficit Disorder combined with this overwhelming desire to somehow make up for the last two years of my life being spent in oblivion?

I feel like the days are flying by and somehow at the end of them, I am getting things accomplished and yet I don’t seem to find any satisfaction in any of it – and then, of course, I start to wonder why. My Type A personality tells me I’m not doing enough, every moment spent in “down time” is precious time wasted that I could have been producing something, creating something else and thinking about doing even more. The realist in me tries to take a step back, relax and realize that while going out for Thai dinner with a friend, it’s completely okay that I’ve left my BlackBerry in the car. Completely okay.

What am I addicted to, I wonder. What is so important about receiving an email as soon as it arrives in my inbox at 8 pm? It’s not like I can really do much at that time until I get to a computer. I mean, I can – but it’ll usually involve an apologetic process to whomever I’m with about how it’s work and I can’t let it go. When the truth is, I can let it go, I just choose not to because I think I feel a certain sense of importance at the fact that I’m needed in a work capacity after regular business hours. How insane. Who even cares? If they care, the person/people I’m with, it’ll be that I’m being rude, not important! I know this, yet I check the message anyway.

I need a balance. And I wonder why this balance doesn’t come naturally to me. My birthday is October 1st – smack dab in the middle of the Libra, the astrological sign of balance. So why can’t I concentrate on doing one thing at a time? Loving one thing at a time? Experiencing one thing at a time? Can I control my life enough to create that? Is that something one can do – I can do?

I’m so addicted to being in the know. I need to be in the know. With news – local, national and world – with whatever social media site I’m viewing, technology, bestsellers, movies, music, sports and people. I’m left to wonder, am I tapping into my old high school self? The one who felt a constant need to fit in and therefore “love” everything so I always had something to talk about with a new face. I’m excited for knowledge, learning and education – but every day, with every piece of knowledge – I wonder where the hell it all goes!

Or … is it a reason for a lack of total productivity and procrastination?

I remember the days where Internet browsers only had one “tab” for each website you viewed. Remember those? You had one page, one browser. If you had more than one page, or three, or eight – you had that many Internet browsers open. I feel as though it really helped in terms of keeping things sane on the PC desktop. As soon as the computer started to drone and move like molasses between tasks, I knew something had to be done in terms of choice and what I really needed open on my operating system.

I think three to five browsers were my limit; depending on what research project I was working on at the time.

Now, as I’ve just gotten back from lunch to a lovely article about multitasking and the horrors of doing your job poorly – I look up and began to count the amount of “tabs” I currently have open in my Google Chrome browser and it stands at nine. Nine (now ten after my Tweet Deck informed me that Emily Brydon of Canada will be skiing next in the Ladies Downhill competition and I proceeded to search for a live stream of the Vancouver 2010 Olympics …..).

It’s now twenty minutes later – I still haven’t been able to find anything that will play live on my computer; I haven’t continued writing anything on here and I’ve been trying to focus all afternoon. There’s something about today – this week, that’s made me uneasy. I don’t know how to explain it, but it has.

Maybe all this multitasking is catching up with me, and – like the article suggests, I’m doing more juggling than multitasking.

(article written February 17th – but too many things got in the way and it wasn’t posted – go figure.)

This year will be a year that challenges more than my determination, dedication and persistence. It will be one that challenges my guts, guise and belief in myself. Personally, I think that’s more of a challenge than anything else but one that I’m entirely up for – mostly because I don’t have much choice.

Once January 4th hit, I was back on the work front. Controlling all aspects of my life I believe I can control – I’m on my way to figuring out the things in life that I can’t and will never be able to.
I’ll get there, completely, though. One day. And this year, will definitely be interesting. One for the books. Just watch.

I had a wonderful dinner with my neighbour from across the hall last night, all the while wondering why on earth couldn’t we have bonded earlier! But I guess, such is the case when you’re moving and start to befriend everyone in your building in an effort to sell your things.

It was funny, speaking with someone who so clearly, vividly has gone through similar things and is living proof that you can make it out alive – and be having a great time as well. It made me feel a bit more confident with the big risk I’m about to take. And really excited, too.