way back when
I was looking through my computer trying to erase some unnecessary files and I came across a couple of entries that I wrote a really long time ago. I wondered why I never finished them nor posted them and I thought that now was a perfect time for it.
Sometimes I can’t believe how quickly time goes by. As I fixed up this website these past couple of days, I realized that it’s been a year since jadingheart.com was started. Although, it wasn’t called jadingheart.com, it was still this place where I could go and write out my thoughts, feelings, rants and raves. Now it has become somewhere I could go to practice my creative side with the design aspect and something to do when I’m bored.
There are cons to this website, however, the most prominent one being too many I know come to it now. Isn’t that funny? I have told almost everyone I know the address and love it when they tell me that word of mouth has spread it further. The trouble about that is that too many people I know read into this site for more than it is. Like everything I write about is what I feel forever. Things I write about become an ‘issue’ of some sort in the future, often about something I’ve written that I don’t even remember writing.
I always remember starting up this website was a way for me to write out my views on the world, in order to somehow clarify my thoughts. It didn’t help. It hasn’t helped. It’s created a diversion, definitely, but it hasn’t helped clarify anything.
I’m feeling down tonight, and there are many reasons why, but I don’t really feel like writing them out for fear that it’ll come back to haunt me in a week or so by the people who read this.
I feel bad because my dad called to talk to me about designing the website for his company, another job opportunity and a document re-create for money as well, and I could hardly pay any attention to him. And I don’t know why. He’s usually the only person who can call me and make me smile because he’s the only one who really does. He’s the only one who supports everything I do no matter how many times I disappoint him. And the only one who really cares when I tell him something about my life, even though he just silently stares ahead when I say something, I know he’s listening.
The thing is, as I glance around the room I’ve just redecorated, I continue to wonder about what the hell I’m doing.
Here’s the second one I found.
Do I have what it takes? Sometimes that question can plague even the most accomplished person. How do you know for sure if you do have “it” or not? One thing I know for sure is that no matter how long it takes to get it, once you have it, you’ll never let go.
In a world that is driven by competition one can get quite disillusioned, so to speak. The questions come up regarding lifestyle choices, careers choices and anything else in between. The choices made can deeply affect the future of someone’s life. So how do you know what the right choice is? Incessant “to-do” lists are mastered, I suppose, but the inevitable decision still must be accomplished. And you can never know what the right one is until the consequences begin to surface.
If I could go back three years ago in my life, knowing what I know now, and someone asked me where I had applied to school, I don’t know if I would have answered saying the University of Windsor. My career focus had changed, my priorities have changed and I would much rather be doing something completely opposite the hobbies I had in the past. But that’s natural, I’m assure myself, because I have grown in those three years, as much as I don’t want to admit it.
Sometimes the focus on “growing up” is the physical portion of the body, and the emotional one takes a backseat.