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As the last post of 2004 I feel as though I have to look back on my year and see how much thing’s have changed. But I wouldn’t know where to begin exactly because I feel as though EVERYTHING has changed. A lot of the times during this vacation I have caught myself doing my time honoured tradition of “remembering what I was doing this time last year” and realizing it was something completely different than what I’m doing now.

I had the car the other night, went for a drive and ended up at Square One. I walked around all the usual places I shop and didn’t buy anything, to the delight of my mother, but looked a whole lot. When I walked in the bookstore that I spent 3 years of my working life in, it was odd. They’ve renovated since I’ve been there and almost everyone I worked with has moved on as well.

I was flipping through an IN TOUCH magazine and a man who worked there came up to me and asked if I needed any help in finding something. I said no and smiled to myself because I was once that person who did the asking. Although it was funny because hardly anyone I worked with at the time really did it.

These past couple of days have been incredibly weird for me. I’ve been confused and flustered and tired. I’ve been wondering and planning for all the things in the upcoming month, and year, actually, and trying to figure out if I’m at all prepared for any of it. Sure, I have my TO-DO lists and everything all written out, but I just hope that my ability to carry out my plans stay intact.

I have increasingly found myself reverting back into a younger version of myself, back when I was fifteen and looking out into the world yet not interacting with it. I liked it but on the same level it depressed me, it left me to feel as though I couldn’t interact with it, as opposed to merely not wanting to.

Now as I can sit and look around and look back, I can see that I’m doing okay, some things needs improvement but others are A-OKAY. The new year can bring so many new things into my life, into everyone’s, or it can just bring a new date. Whatever the case, whatever the reason, time is flying. The first thing I said at the beginning of 2004 was “L, we’re going to be 20 this year! TWENTY!” she laughed at my comment and said “in 10 months hun” but the 10 months came and went, turning into 12 months passing by as we sit on another “eve” that is upon us.

There are only so many things I can hope for in the new year, not resolutions, but goals. Happiness. Acceptance. Laughter. It’s the little things that matter in the long run anyway.

Happy New Year.

This week has been crazy, well actually, this whole month has. I cannot understand or make sense of the things that have happened but all I know is that they have increasingly confused me ’til no end. There are so many ‘why?’ questions and so many ‘how come?’ ones and nothing has happened to enlighten me with any answers.

I’m tired or trying to figure them out and tired of providing advice that really has no merit because I don’t even know where the hell it’s coming from. And obviously proves to be very, very wrong.

I want to write a long entry right now, but I can’t. Because I’m still so confused and don’t have any idea where I would begin the post. Just let me get all this Christmas stuff out of the way and maybe we’ll figure that out.

The Christmas visiting has started. But I’m actually enjoying it as opposed to moaning when my mom tells me where to trudge around Toronto to places I have to go. I guess ever since our family has grown up and we’re hardly in the same room together, I can go by myself and actually visit with time and relaxation.

I’m actually thinking of people to visit too. That’s how resourceful I’ve become on the visitation status.

Longer post soon, promise.

I was talking to an old high school teacher about people I used to know and where they are now. As I’ve previously stated, I would like to get in contact with some people.

I often wonder though, how I’m supposed to start up conversations with people that I never really got to know, or why I would want to. And although I can’t answer the question, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to meet these people again. It’s kind of like High School Reunion without the reality television show aspect of it.

And it’s always fun to see how successful people actually were upon graduation, like this guy, Chris, I sat next to him in grade ten science class before I switched schools. He was nice, I remember that, and he always talked to me despite my anti-social behaviour to everyone I knew. He now is Chris Campoli big hockey star. Well, he’s not big yet, but he’ll get there.

I knew it too, I made him autograph his name underneath his yearbook message to me because I always told him that I thought he’d actually make it. When I saw the scribble underneath the message “Hey, thanks for making science a little more interesting. Have a good summer. Chris Campoli” I laughed at the memory.

Who knew? Apparently I did.

I saw closer tonight. Hard to explain my opinion on it though, because I didn’t fully understand what was going on. And you see Natalie Portman’s ass way too many times to concentrate since it takes up the whole screen for most of the scene it’s shown in.

A film about love and truth and the question of whether or not those two things can go together. Very confusing because it can be interpreted in many different ways. A probing topic. One I can’t seem to fathom as I sit here at 4 AM wondering what the hell I’m still doing up.