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happy new year.

have a good one, and hopefully, 2007 won’t fly by as quickly as this year did.

but somehow, i don’t think that’ll be possible.

i officially feel like carrie bradshaw, circa season four, post-aidan break up.

laptop? check.
coffee? check.
loads of questions? check.
contentment? check.
no cigarettes? check.
new clothes? check.

most importantly, ready to start over, start new, believe in something bigger out there, ready to guide me to something bigger. ready to be there for me as i embark on the last semester of school – the last semester of being a student (of undergraduate) and trying something new.

i can do this, finish this off properly, with high hopes, expectations and beliefs.
not everything is going to go the best way possible. not everything is always going to according to plan, and sometimes, that’s the best part.

i’m excited. i’m really excited for it all, the new beginning that this has hopes for. i cannot wait, seriously. i’m ready to move on, achieve everything i’ve set out to do. and know how i’m going to do it?

no longer am i dealing with the negative aspects of my life, no longer will i deal with them, no longer will i focus on them. i will focus on the things that i want, need and aspire to. i’ve finally realized that it’s what i need to do in order to achieve what i want. there’s no point in continually wishing for things to happen and wondering why they’re not always working in perfect order. it’s all i’m going to get if i think that way.

this is not a new year’s resolution – because i’m starting now, actually, i’ve been starting it for a while but have been trying hard to focus on everything positive because it’s harder than you think to do – but i’m doing it now. i’m not waiting until january 1st t do something with my life about it.

it’s being done now.

oh, ps. merry christmas.

It’s a different life, being at home. For the first time at Christmas I’m not running around killing myself to see every body and make sure I have my million things that need to be done. Because I didn’t feel the need to for once. I relaxed, have focused on me and my family and somehow things are turning out just fine.

Christmas Eve is going to be sad, yet again, as always, but I’ve come to accept it and just deal with it.

S is gone, she’ll call, of course, but it’s not the same.

My mom will cook this big elaborate meal that I’ll hate because we’re eating on our fancy dining room table, with the plates we never use because it’ll be just the three of us and I’ll be reminded once again that our family is quite small for being Italian. We’ll sit, eat our food quietly, while a fight will probably ensue, as always, because emotions are always high during this time of year and things get to be irritating quicker than usual.

My mom will say how the family’s turned their backs on us while my dad and I will roll our eyes and plead for her to stop holding grudges.

At the same time, it hurts me because I’ll sit and think, and wonder, just like she has, why we weren’t a part of so and so’s dinner – because our family blood tells us we’re “Christmas Day family” as opposed to the entire season.

It makes no difference, where we spend our Christmas’ now, because it’s all the same. What we do, who we spend it with, it doesn’t matter – because we have each other. But as the focus seems to always become “who’s turned their backs on us” and to “who doesn’t care” I’m left wondering how everyone became so bitter and scared that the feelings will befall me too, once I’m older.

I can sit here and easily blame my mother for the family’s distance, easily, but I can’t – she’s my mother, and I love her. I just get scared, afraid of one of two things happening; she’ll only realize the stupidity and unnecessary hatred once somebody dies and she’ll either live with guilt and regret for the rest of her life or she’ll just have a mental breakdown all together and hate us all.

Neither are good, but neither would surprise me.

Oh, ps. merry christmas.

I’m having a bit of writer’s block. It’s pissing me off because I really need to finish this project by Tuesday – by today, actually, so I can work on the numerous other things I have going on.

Make it go away – this writer’s block.

GO AWAY.

I’ve spent most of this week doing homework and watching television in my room with K. I haven’t been living a charmed life, nor an exciting one but the major difference I can say about the past two weeks is that I haven’t spent my nights incessantly worrying about something, or creeping around on myspace or facebook because I deleted my account on the former and severely stopped logging on and participating in the latter. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, until I finally did it, ripped it off like a band aid, as a friend had suggested. But I did and I have and I know I’ll continue it.

The thing about it is, a couple of weeks ago I went out for a J’s birthday and while we had a lot of fun, the next morning I woke up unhappy with the actions of the night previous and pretty much didn’t want to continue it. Since then, I haven’t. And it hasn’t been difficult, there hasn’t been much will power needed – none of it really. I think I was just getting bored with the scene. I wanted to grow up, grow out of it, and I think I have – or I’m getting there.

I know who my friends are, who are the ones that are there for me and everything in between and the semester’s gone by so quickly it’s basically been a whirlwind of four months. I can’t believe four months have gone by and I’ve spent much of it being upset over a guy, or a roommate, or a new guy, or a memory. I know who I am, and even though I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life after the next four months go by, for right now, living it is okay.

Even if it means sitting at home with K or J or S and doing nothing but homework and watching television and laughing and joking and having our own fun. Because it isn’t going to last forever and it’s going to go by really quickly and I’m going to miss it terribly, I find myself already doing so. Just yesterday K was on my bed and we were getting ready to watch One Tree Hill and I looked over at her after we had a laughing fit and did one of those “remember it forever” type of things because my last day of Fall classes is on Tuesday and that baffles me because I still feel like it’s September (this weather’s not helping) and it’s already almost done. We’ll stay in touch, of course, and hang out, but it won’t be the same, it never will and it can’t be. Most of K and I’s communication is in the form of stupid comments to television shows, stuff that’s happened in our lives and joke insults we perform about each other if we’re not play fighting at the moment. It’s not really the thing you can do when you meet for a coffee or a movie once in a while and that’s the scary part.

It’s not the obsession of crying about something that hasn’t even happened yet, I think it’s more the realizing the things that are important in my life and the people that are as well. Focusing the time on them, with them, and everything in between.

Everybody’s been asking me “are you okay?” like five hundred times a day and quite frankly, it’s getting on my nerves. It hasn’t happened so much anymore, but once I began this “change” it was like I was under constant scrutiny over my feelings and actions and not “acting like myself”. The thing about it is, the whole time I was acting like “myself” I felt like I was being somebody else, to impress everyone else. I was finally able to take a step back and realize that nobody cares and I was the one who wasn’t impressed and I didn’t like that.

So I fixed it. So now, when someone asks me if I’m okay, instead of just saying yes, I answer honestly; no, but I’m getting there. And the ones that really know me, don’t even have to ask.