Archive for March, 2006
I was working on organizing things for my project that’s “due” tomorrow when I came across a random website.
I use quotes to describe it as being due because it’s actually a fundraiser that I’ve helped organize for tomorrow night. This big 100% of my mark project and I think it’ll actually be a good time.
If you happen to live in the Windsor area, please come check it out. Go here to get more information about it.
But – back to the reason for the post.
Check out this adorable and when I say adorable, I mean ADORABLE link for all lovers of The Steve Miller Band, Fatboy Slim and kittens!
It’s the Devil Ducky!
I think it’s weird that L and P have broken up around the same time that E and I stopped talking. E and I were the ones who introduced them and now we’re all separated from each other. Girls versus boys, although none of us are fighting with each other, we’re all just – no talking. It’s funny how things change so quickly but when you look back, you realize that the changes have been going on for quite sometime and you just haven’t noticed or paid any attention. The thing is, we haven’t really talked for a while now, there just wasn’t a reason before, and I never really noticed. Maybe we were growing apart in a way, unable to do anything about it and now that something’s happened and we’re not speaking, it’s really no different. It’s just really awkward during classes we have together.
It’s just, when I look back now at all the times we hung out, they were fun, yes, but they occurred because we were both doing nothing else. I had no life. That’s untrue; I had a life – just a boring one. I did nothing. I went to class two days a week, watched television and occasionally did homework. When I really think of it, once I started doing something with my free time; getting a job, acquiring a radio show, going to the gym and library, that’s when the friendship started to falter. We saw each other less and less and blamed it on busyness, which was true to an extent. The thing is I don’t think that was the cause of everything. Sure, I get blamed for having a job being the cause of many of my failed relationships or deteriorating ones but for once I believe that’s unfair. So I actually want to spend my days doing more than just watching Oprah and making sure my assignments are in on time. I’ve found that whenever that is all that’s on my agenda, I get bored, and mostly importantly, sad.
I can’t make excuses for something I just don’t understand. I don’t think I ever will. Everyone is saying that we’ll be talking in no time and that we’re such good friends, we’ll get over it. But I don’t think we will. Just for the fact that our relationship has been on thin ice since way before last week and nothing was done by either of us to change it. What do you do when you don’t have any idea how to continue a non-friendship? It pains me to see him because I’m disgusted with the way our friendship has turned out, when it started with such promise. We were the two peas in a pod, whom everyone envied and wondered about “why weren’t we dating?” because people of the opposite sex can’t be friends without emotions, apparently. Maybe the prophecy has been right all along, guys and girls just can’t be friends. Look at the way we ended up? And I really thought we’d make it. But I don’t think our lack of continuing friendship had anything to do with us being the opposite sex, I’ve grown apart and stopped talking to a lot of people in my life, not just guys.
B, for example, she’s a girl and I have never written about that fallout. I just wouldn’t have known what to say. It was too complicated then and it’s too complicated now. And that’s fine, I guess, now that she’s moved back home and gone off to do ??? I don’t even know.
The thing about friendships is that you can never really guess where they’ll end up, who you’ll be friends with forever, a couple of years or even a month. You don’t look at them in forms of time, because that’s not how you’re supposed to. They’re not boyfriend/girlfriend type relationships to do that, which is true, but there’s always that ability to be able to tell roughly how long a friendship is going to last. It’s all based on trust and that gut instinct. You can tell. You can tell if a person is worth trusting, worth keeping in touch with, worth remembering.
It’s those times when your gut instinct seems to have failed you and you’re left wondering how the hell that happened, which gets you in the end.
I think it’s weird that L and P have broken up around the same time that E and I stopped talking. E and I were the ones who introduced them and now we’re all separated from each other. Girls versus boys, although none of us are fighting with each other, we’re all just – no talking. It’s funny how things change so quickly but when you look back, you realize that the changes have been going on for quite sometime and you just haven’t noticed or paid any attention. The thing is, we haven’t really talked for a while now, there just wasn’t a reason before, and I never really noticed. Maybe we were growing apart in a way, unable to do anything about it and now that something’s happened and we’re not speaking, it’s really no different. It’s just really awkward during classes we have together.
It’s just, when I look back now at all the times we hung out, they were fun, yes, but they occurred because we were both doing nothing else. I had no life. That’s untrue; I had a life – just a boring one. I did nothing. I went to class two days a week, watched television and occasionally did homework. When I really think of it, once I started doing something with my free time; getting a job, acquiring a radio show, going to the gym and library, that’s when the friendship started to falter. We saw each other less and less and blamed it on busyness, which was true to an extent. The thing is I don’t think that was the cause of everything. Sure, I get blamed for having a job being the cause of many of my failed relationships or deteriorating ones but for once I believe that’s unfair. So I actually want to spend my days doing more than just watching Oprah and making sure my assignments are in on time. I’ve found that whenever that is all that’s on my agenda, I get bored, and mostly importantly, sad.
I can’t make excuses for something I just don’t understand. I don’t think I ever will. Everyone is saying that we’ll be talking in no time and that we’re such good friends, we’ll get over it. But I don’t think we will. Just for the fact that our relationship has been on thin ice since way before last week and nothing was done by either of us to change it. What do you do when you don’t have any idea how to continue a non-friendship? It pains me to see him because I’m disgusted with the way our friendship has turned out, when it started with such promise. We were the two peas in a pod, whom everyone envied and wondered about “why weren’t we dating?” because people of the opposite sex can’t be friends without emotions, apparently. Maybe the prophecy has been right all along, guys and girls just can’t be friends. Look at the way we ended up? And I really thought we’d make it. But I don’t think our lack of continuing friendship had anything to do with us being the opposite sex, I’ve grown apart and stopped talking to a lot of people in my life, not just guys.
B, for example, she’s a girl and I have never written about that fallout. I just wouldn’t have known what to say. It was too complicated then and it’s too complicated now. And that’s fine, I guess, now that she’s moved back home and gone off to do ??? I don’t even know.
The thing about friendships is that you can never really guess where they’ll end up, who you’ll be friends with forever, a couple of years or even a month. You don’t look at them in forms of time, because that’s not how you’re supposed to. They’re not boyfriend/girlfriend type relationships to do that, which is true, but there’s always that ability to be able to tell roughly how long a friendship is going to last. It’s all based on trust and that gut instinct. You can tell. You can tell if a person is worth trusting, worth keeping in touch with, worth remembering.
It’s those times when your gut instinct seems to have failed you and you’re left wondering how the hell that happened, which gets you in the end.
I was home for a couple of days this week for my reading week, and while I was out for coffee with J and L and we performed the usual “what’s new” chat before we delved into deeper topics we all came to the conclusion that nothing was. When we were in high school, there was always a drama filled discussion that needed solving or figuring out. We figure that after university is done, we’ll have information/catching up talks all the time about all the changes in our lives. For now, though, we’d figured out that we’re stuck finishing school and there’s nothing “in between” right now. I didn’t like that thought but then had to agree when I can’t even throw out a meaningful entry on this website that started my pseudo career in everything media related. I am really busy, doing a lot of things. But there are definitely times when I’m doing nothing and wishing I wasn’t.
I have my car here now, thanks to a creepy cab driver who felt the need to hit on me a couple of weeks ago while he was driving me home from work, and just knowing I have the ability to leave my apartment whenever I wish has me a bit comforted. Unfortunately, something else I realized while returning the videos I rented Thursday night: there’s nowhere to go in this city, especially when you’re here by yourself. It was a glimpse into what my summer is going to be like: nobody here, nowhere to go, nothing to do – fabulous.
When I was looking for the key to my front door, I had a memory about what I used to do when I was younger and alone in my room. I would walk up the stairs, pretend that my house key was the key to my bedroom door and go inside, shut it, pretend to lock it on the inside and “hang up” my keychain on the nail next to the door. I would imagine what the interior would look like and sit on my bed with a book in hand and read, whilst pretending I was in my future living room relaxing after a hard day’s work. I never thought too much into the future when I was growing up, I imagined this life where I could be independent but always assumed that was when I had a full time career and a different life. I never thought it would be some sort of premonition of my life in university. I grilled veggies for lunch and talked to my mom on the phone today, pacing around in the emptiness of the apartment and basked in the loneliness of being connected to someone. And I felt the familiarity of what I would feel while reading that book on my childhood bed, pretending I was somewhere else.
What do you do when there’s nothing to do, nowhere to go or nobody to see? You imagine you’re doing something, going somewhere and spending time with someone, which feels more pathetic than not doing it, so I don’t. I write these entries instead while listening to music, watching muted TBS movies in the background and chatting with friends online who are miles and miles away.
It’s Spring. Not officially, but I can feel it.
Enjoy the new layout. I enjoyed making it.
