SIMPLY ELABORATE blog

Archive for August, 2005

You be a jerk to me, I’ll be one right back. How is it that that seems to be the mantra of everyone’s lives these days? It seems to work well enough, if you can deal with the feelings of guilt afterwards, if they even exist.

I read an article in the latest issue of SELF magazine last week about how being happy with everyone you encounter can greatly increase your happiness because it’s like a bounce back effect towards your life. But I thought, what about people taking advantage of your niceness? Because it’ll happen. Sometimes I get so sick of everything that I just want to scream at everyone and tell them what I really think of them or why they’re being retarded. But I can’t, because it’s not nice. And I’m really not that keen on yelling at people all the time. I just don’t understand because although my life has been busy these summer months, I haven’t been stressed out nearly as much as I’ve let myself be these past two weeks. It’s just that everything is annoying me or people are unnecessarily mean or rude to me or others I know. I need some clarification of some sort. Some clarification of why I allow myself to let others get to me when really, I’m not that pissed off to begin with.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s all a front then. If I’m really not happy with all the things gone wrong in my life that I can’t just put on the happy face and go on with everything like nothing’s wrong. And then when someone upsets me in the slightest way, I fall apart so easily because I’m on the verge anyway. Maybe that’s it.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s already August and almost time to go back to school and I’m not ready to leave quite yet and it’s putting me even more on the edge. It’s the feeling of not exactly fitting in anywhere. I don’t fit in at home because I’m always leaving and that’s my story to anyone I meet – I don’t really live in Mississauga anymore. When I’m at school, I love it, but curse myself everyday for choosing a school so Goddamn far away from home in a city I hate but have learned to tolerate. I don’t feel as though I fit in there either, I mean, I haven’t even spoken to anyone from school much less seen them. Not my previous proclaimed bestest friend E because he doesn’t believe in a phone. Not K whom I miss terribly but somehow feel that doesn’t miss me the same. I mean, I’m not putting blame, it’s my fault too, I haven’t made the greatest effort either, but shouldn’t it have come easy? It always seemed to in Windsor. Maybe it’s because when we’re all there, we don’t have anyone else.

Maybe I’ve just been listening to too many Coldplay songs and feeling sorry for myself to care about making any sense. Maybe it’s because I get like this every time it’s August 2nd and nobody remembers but me that Anna died. It wasn’t anyone else’s best friend, I know, but to my family; it’s their kid whose friend died. It should at least be a factor in remembering, I think. I mean, I had to suffer through the constant “watch-dog” actions of “is she going to kill herself” for the next year after her death, you’d think someone would remember something at least. A sickness maybe, anything.

But maybe it’s all just constant ramblings of sadness. A sadness of a time I’ll never get back. A sadness of a time that I’m leaving. A sadness of a time that I know is to come. A sadness that I wish was noticed but know it’ll never be.

It’s that time of year again, only this time it’s like a ‘milestone’ – if you can call it that. Five years. It’s been five years since she died. And here I am thinking about how so many things have changed since May. Because they have, but when I think about the differences in my life from that time, I can’t believe it.