… details on a not-so-simple-life

“Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy.”

I saw this quote today and started thinking about life and the way we live it. The way we walk through each day, focusing on the people who cut us off while driving, the rude barista at Starbucks in the morning or the fact that no matter how early we leave to get somewhere, something always manages to make us late. I am no stranger to being this person sometimes. It happens. It’s inevitable. The inability to be positive at all hours of the day.

Then I can talk to people who really are able to put things in perspective for me. Like a sister. Who thankfully is bored enough at work that she can write me emails that remind me to live in the present and not worry about the past. And not the past like last year, but the past like yesterday. It really puts things in perspective, thinking like that. Realizing what’s important and what’s not. Realizing what’s worth expending energy into and what’s not – and remembering how to differentiate between the two.

I’ve happened to realize that nothing is life is simple. It really isn’t. And the harder to strive for simplicity and ease, the harder it is to find. It’s not about finding the perfect routine that will keep you calm at all hours of the day but more about finding that calm within yourself. So that when you are handed a situation that might make you a little colourful, you have that calm that allows entrance for ease.

It’s funny how quickly time changes everything. It’s funny how something so simple can become so complicated and hard to deal with, even though you know that in retrospect, even if it’s only a month from now, you’ll feel completely different or immune to the things bothering you now.

How do you fast-forward to those times? The times that you can sit and look back on nothing and everything and go “you did it, you made it through and you lived”. The thing is, we’re sitting at that point every moment of our lives – it’s just that the moment we can look back on with that immunity changes every second. It happens.

Emotions are what rule us. If we’re not ready to be immune, we won’t be. So things that won’t bother us in a year bother us now. They control the emotions that fuel the fire of the craziness that can sometimes be spun from our conscious. The question, sometimes, is how to control the emotions that spew forth when prompted by someone else? If you’re in a situation in which you’ve put yourself out there, completely and openly trusting someone just because you’re that type of person – and that person causes a problem for you – how do you control the emotions that inevitably follow?

I’m guessing I’ll probably have this figured out next year, around this time.

“Don’t you think there’s anything you’d like to say to him?” a friend asked me this afternoon after I forwarded a text I’d received from an ex boyfriend letting me know he’s going to be in Toronto this weekend.

“Like what? ‘You’re a dick?’” I suggested back.

“Seriously,” she continued. “I’m just saying you should think about it.”

So I have. Been thinking about it. I haven’t seen this person since November. During that meeting, I felt fine. Closure. I felt like when I saw him, I felt sorry for him and happy I was out of the stupidity that was our relationship. It was still fresh, the break up, but when I saw him – I wholeheartedly knew it was a fabulous decision.

Then I’d found out that he had already started seeing someone at the time and was seeing her when he met up with me, two weeks after we’d broken up. It ruined my closure. How do you have closure from someone who continued to lie to you after the break up – but still attempted to claim regret and sorrow? Mind you, why I thought someone who lied throughout the relationship would somehow stop lying after it is beyond me.

It’s gotten me to thinking about closure. What is it? Do you actually need it? When do you know you’ve got it? Is it better to go forward in life and relationships thinking your ex is a horrible person, think of them remotely fondly or just plain not think of them at all?

When we’re faced with a situation like this, what is the right decision? I’ve been told that it’s up to me. Which I know it is, but how do you decide what you want to do? Would me agreeing to meet mean something – wouldn’t me not agreeing to meet mean something? Do you need closure to move on? And if so, can that closure be found in a quick coffee meet up?

With that, I received another text. One from a little crush I currently have. He wants to meet up for coffee right now. He got a yes response. No questions asked.

Maybe that act itself means I’ve gotten all the closure I’m ever going to get. I just need more time. And I can’t rush that.